Chloe is coming in to college with me tomorrow, to be my bodypainting model.
hands up if you’re not that stupid!
Not sure what I’m going to do on her yet.
my muse
“Xena. Make me Xena, Warrior Princess. Or whatever you think you can do.”
I don’t think so.
I was thinking more Garfield.
Wish me luck, flogstars. I have three weeks for this – well, two weeks of practice, and then the assessment! Pics to follow (if Chloe lets me).
do u want to share a nice place with a nice handsome guy?;)
I am living in one bedroom flat, and I like to shear my Flat with decent female if you inerested
you are so cute!
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ON THE INTERNET! THAT’S where they all are. Just waiting for someone to put an ad on Gumtree for a flat-share, before they pounce with close-up photos of their penises*.
Sigh. I’m trying to get whoreganised for starting the makeup artistry study at Clydebank, you see. At the moment, all I know is that I’ve got a place on the course, and that classes begin on 19 August. As I intend to go balls-to-the-wall with the course, this will involve defecting from Oban and being present, focused, committed and completely available somewhere near the college at least, from mid-August onwards.
Which is exciting and fabulous; I like Glasgow. I’m lucky too; my boss isn’t making me quit my cool job up here in Oban to embark on this new adventure. August is probably the worst month in which to make myself scarce, as it’s our busiest up here – yet still he’s being all cool with it. The idea, at this stage with NO INFORMATION WHATSOEVER FROM THE COLLEGE, is that I’ll be down there in Glasgow for part of the week, and up here in Oban as much as practical and possible.
So what I’m looking for is a room in a flat with nice normal people who already live there. Somewhere that will be easy-access to the college. As I’m not sure how much of the week I’ll be spending there, the most important thing is that public transport between my new digs and college is quick and easy, and that my co-inhabitants don’t try to get fresh with me. Unless I say they can.
The lonely hearts that are replying to my business-like, non-sexual and entirely uninviting ad on Gumtree represent quite a wide and vivid spectrum of un-gentlemanliness. Some are obvious creeps, but some are just lonely and want someone else to be there when they get home. And I’m actually not here to make fun of that.
I pity them only because they’re barking up completely the wrong tree if they’re approaching ME to give their home any kind of feminine touch. I mean, I’ve been known to throw dishes in the bin instead of washing up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pig (as evidenced by my unwillingness to have dirty dishes lying around), but I’m just not one to buy flowers or bake cookies, sorry guys.
You could only have ever described me as a house proud domestic goddess during protracted periods of underemployment, when I had literally nothing better to do and couldn’t afford to be out in public having an actual good time. This was before things like laptops and broadband entered the Imosphere, so self-entertainment was a different animal.
Just to be clear, I can bake, polish silver, vacuum the skirting boards properly. I know about stain removal. I know which cleaning products to use on the various household surfaces. I know that tidying the sofas can make you a rich woman; there is ALWAYS change in that bad boy. A veritable gold mine!
I am lightening with an iron; when I was a kid I got 5c per shirt, so I had to be damn fast or I’d be losing money standing there. I really enjoy a clean, orderly home – and that shit was my bread and butter when I was an enterprising child fleecing my parents out of $10 a week to do ALL of the housework (the equivalent of -$7.82 per hour in today’s economic climate; I bet they still laugh about it, but at the time, when I was too young to be legally employed anywhere else, it was like winning the lottery). It’s just… there’re so many better things to do.
So like I was saying, I pity the fool(s) who are looking for a guid wee wifey because, as Carissa wisely said, anyone who would post or respond to an invitation to share a rent-free bed with a guy you haven’t met in exchange for doing his domestic shit-work… would have to be completely insane. Gasp – I’ve just figured it out.
Anyway. Who cares. I’ll find somewhere.
Oh and I did Carissa’s nails, all cartoon like.
*Not impressed, ‘Joanna’.
Meet Carissa www.instagram.com/carisssssa
I wish they all could be California girls
She is in Oban HelpXing at the Backpackers again for the FOURTH time – yes, that is how much of an excellent boss I am. Never mind the fact that this technically means she has already left three times… she just can’t stay away.
But Carissa is more than an outstanding unpaid worker, she is also a very dear friend. She is a creative soul, willing to indulge me, schmokin’ hawt and able to throw excellent poses. Bingo.
As regular readers will know, I’ve gone a bit mad on the online wig procurement lately, and it seems silly not to put this transvestite treasure trove to good use. I’ve always loved wigs, in fact, for my 21st birthday, BFF Sophie and I had a party together to celebrate, and the theme was… WIGS.
If memory serves, this was when I first dabbled in the mullet lifestyle. I bought a big, bad, white-blonde Tina Turner/David Bowie-in-the-Labyrinth mullet and bloody loved it. I wonder where that wig is now. Probably in storage at Mum and Dad’s, bugger, I shouldn’t mention that because now they’re going to read this and bring up how much my crap is crapping up their garage.
the only thing better than a wig, is TWO wigs
But anyway. Carissa came over the other night and the green paint was still out from my date with a bunch of daffodils, so I was like, can I paint you green and draw a bunch of question marks between your boobs?
literally, a human WTF
Like I said, she is a very good sport.
Carissa is a female Riddler. She is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key.
wish my boobs were green…
YOLO
And then Chloe came home and wasn’t at all surprised because mad shit like this goes on all the time when you live with me.
housemate wanted
I saw this video on YouTube and decided to give it a shot.
She’s using all MAC products but as usual I just made do with what I already had, using the white cream makeup I’ve mentioned previously that can be bought on eBay for a couple of bucks. Next time I practice this I think I’ll use the Snazaroo facepaint.
What do you think?
Please excuse the shite quality of the photos, they were taken on my phone camera 🙂
For Halloween 2012, Chloe wanted a Lichtenstein-style pop-art cartoon face to match her favourite comic-strip skirt. And I was like, bring it on.
We decided against the small-pox dots all over the face, mostly because by the time we got to that stage, we were running sooooo late for the party that there simply wasn’t time.
Pretty much, I just went to town on her with a black liquid liner. Starting the eyebrows higher in the inside corner, and ending them lower on the outside creates a miserable, about-to-cry expression, as if by magic. Try it, and you’ll have everyone coming up to you all night, saying “are you OK?”
The tear was a work of art, if I do say so myself. Shiny and long-lasting thanks to MAC Liquid Last eyeliner and with extra sparkle, care of MAC Pigment.
So off we went to our party. Me, Chloe and Zoe Winehouse.
May I remind you all that this boo-hoo expression on Chloe’s face is drawn on, she’s actually not pulling a face at all. Or she wasn’t, until we arrived at the party…
and Faron was also a Lichtenstein-inspired cartoony face! OMFG!
And Chloe ripped off her wig in a rage, and was all like, waaaaah.
The end.
Or was it?….
In the thrilling sequel to today’s post, CHLOE WEARS A DIFFERENT BLONDE WIG! Stay tuned!
Let’s pretend we can save the world. Save the world with makeup!
My friend Ian, who is big into all things cartoon-ish, had a Marvel Comics/cartoons/villains/heroes themed party for his 30th birthday in 2011. Everyone made a huge effort and looked amazing – I bloody love a dress up party when everyone gets hard into it. Ian himself was Superman. Here’s me as The Red Queen, inspired by Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.
And at the same party, Alex as Sideshow Bob, Neil as a banana, and Morgan as Cheetara from Thundercats!
I do love a good painted-on eye mask. Speaking of which, last but not least, here I am as Australian supervillain ANZAC. That’s my gimpy manservant Barbara in the background, humping Hostage 1.
Maybe I can’t save the world with makeup, but I can rule the world with cookies. Watch the full video here: ANZAC!!!!!
digital imologue 