Today was the final day for wig assessments, and while I had already completed both of mine, my services as a short-haired model were required. Today I was Freyja’s model, and she turned me into a haunted Alice in Wonderland. I don’t have copies of the pics from the college camera (yet) but here are a few from my phone.
sans wig
a wee cheeky green one with halloween stickers, because why not
completed look
with the pin curls taken out
bus home. There are no other passengers BECAUSE I ATE THEM ALL!!!
and now I’m sitting in the kitchen writing this flog post. Not taking my makeup off, no sir.
The contacts are “Berzerker” from MesmerEyez.
So here’s 80s German power-metallers Helloween, with I Want Out. Parental Advisory: Contains exactly as many fluffy blond Euro-mullets, denim jackets, leather, skin tight jeans that show EVERYTHING, and dodgy special effects as you would expect from a video endorsed on imogenmaxwell.com
I don’t actually WANT to kill any of my classmates, but I’m going to have to.
They’re too talented, and I just don’t need that kind of competition.
This week we began Asian bridal in basic makeup, and continued practicing bodypainting for next week’s assessment.
My tiger is coming together OK; I was right, getting organised has helped confidence levels considerably. Today (Tits-Oot Tuesday) I practiced twice, first on Saoirse …
… after which she practiced her Xena cuff on my arm. I volunteered to get my top off like a million times, but no dice.
Then I practiced on Chloe at home …
… after which she sat around my lounge room topless, painted as a tiger, watching TV for ages and ages.
… and some goldeneye action to cover up my stained eyelids. Stained from the MAC Chromaline we were using as a base for the bright eyeshadow in Asian bridal. Oh, so pink and fabulous (until you try to wash it off – so, perfect for the long-wear you’d want on your wedding day!)
Graftobian cosmetic powdered metal (copper) and Graftobian Magic Set Mixing & Lining Liquid.
I don’t have any of my own to experiment with yet, but I suspect the Magic Set might rival Illamasqua sealing gel. It’s the same kind of thing – a setting liquid that you mix with powder to create an opaque, fast drying and long-lasting paint… only Graftobian’s is a fraction of the price.
Oh speaking of bargains, Crownbrush UK will be having a 20% off sale probably within the next couple of days (once they reach 20,000 ‘likes’ on Facebook). I use a lot of their brushes – they’re good and dirt cheap. Get in. You don’t need to spend heaps on brushes; if you use them a lot therefore clean them a lot, they’re going to lose hair regardless, so you may as well get cheaper ones cos they’re going to need replacing anyway. And I honestly don’t notice a difference in quality with most of my cheap brushes up against, say, MAC ones I’ve paid a fortune for.
It’s just unnecessary. Get cheap brushes and spend what you’ve saved on regular facials; no brush or foundation for that matter is going to make a lick of difference if you face has the texture of a house brick.
Bed time, flogstars. Here’s Harry Belafonte to sing you to sleep.
Oh hi flogstars. This week I was the model for two of the Belfast Babes’ wig assessments.
Here’s wee Saoirse (hi, Saoirse’s Mummy! I can totally spell your daughter’s name without looking, now. Hope you have a nice weekend!) making me in to a geek:
no mullets were harmed in the application of this wig
my view
Saoirse’s view
braces weren’t really designed with the larger-busted lady in mind, but I did my best to work it
And then it was Sinéad’s turn:
Terrified Mum’s going to see these and march over here all the way from Australia to slap the cigarette out of my paw
I’m going to sneak in a wee mid-post video for you, flogstars, cos it’s Friday and I feel like we all deserve a treat. It’s the legendary burping contest at the end of Revenge of the Nerds. Youtube won’t let me embed this one for some gimpy reason, but I highly recommend you click through and watch it. I used to have that burp as my answering machine message. Classy lassy right here.
The LOL-fest continued at home with the Mhairis (yes, 2/3 of my housemates are called Mhairi). Inspired by some Promise Tamang videos I’d made them watch last night, the brown powder eyeshadow and brown eyeliner came out and we bearded up.
Mhairi doesn’t normally wear a towel-cape and plastic bag on her head; it’s a hairdye thing
beard LOLz
you would, admit it
It was decided that I looked like somebody’s hot visiting Eurotrash cousin, or a surfer dude from Home and Away, or Gannicus from Spartacus (who is Australian actor Dustin Clare, who was on Home and Away apparently, so once again we’ve come full circle).
Yeah, I can live with that comparison
mmmm
I love you too, Gannicus
Before we go on, can I just say that I have only ever seen a fraction of one episode of Spartacus, and only because Chloe was basically making me and one of the Mhairis watch it. It’s dismal beyond description, but I really did enjoy making fun of it.
Moving on, Mhairi then compared me to the angel from Barbarella:
The angel was not very happy to be compared to beardy me, and while I am flattered that my facial hair brought to mind the overall impression of a bronzed, buff god, I’m not loving his special-ed fringe. Not at all.
Right you lot, it’s after midnight and I’m sitting in the kitchen Googling “collective noun for bronzed buff gods” – still with my beard on. This madness must come to an end.
Speaking of beards. Watch this magical video from Beardyman, a beatboxing legend (stay with me) recording and looping his own voice to build up a pretty incredible rendition of Massive Attack’s Tear Drop.
Sometimes, when you go unprepared into something, with a barely thought-through idea that was shit to begin with, the result can be disappointing. That’s another way of saying I had no idea what I was doing today, this first Titty Tuesday, and it went… tits up.
My gracious sister Chloe accompanied me in to college to be my bodypainting model, ever good-natured and generous with her time.
I was going to paint Chloe as a mermaid, or in a military uniform with a cute hat, and pockets glued over her baps and epaulettes stuck on her shoulders. I was also going to make her look like the Venus de Milo (but with arms), or Superman or Xena (but both of those were already taken). We talked about what I was going to paint her as A LOT in the lead up to this, yet none of the ideas actually stuck. It was all just a bit all over the place.
So I had no idea what I was going to do, and going in to class today, I felt incapable, disorganised, out of my depth… and all over the place.
First up we gave the mermaid idea a whirl, which was such a HUGE flop I can’t bring myself to show you photos of it. Ugh. We LOL’d, Chloe wiped it all off (see pic above), and I started again on the back-up plan – TIGER!
That came together alright, but not before the tutor pointed out that my ideas were wishy-washy, disorganised and disconnected, I hadn’t done my homework, and I was obviously taking the easy option and staying well within my comfort zone by doing bodypainting that was essentially an extension of the same ole face-painting I’ve done a billion zillion times.
Green tiger for St Patrick’s day
All of which was true, but still dented my massive yet fragile ego, which was particularly fragile in light of the failed mermaid attempt. AND on Monday afternoon I also didn’t like my work in Basic Makeup, it just… wouldn’t do what I wanted it to do. My confidence was in the shitter. It all got on top of me, friends. For the first time since starting the course, this week I felt like I was just too crap at this to even try any more, and would never have a decent creative idea again as long as I live.
If I can’t even blend two eyeshadows together, how will I ever get by in a world filled with “self taught! This isn’t my job, I just do it for fun!” makeup artists who are so insanely talented it makes me want to vomit? Boo hoo.
So I pouted and felt sorry for myself and whinged to my nearest and dearest about my insecurities, and was reminded that (a) I’m learning, and not supposed to be good at bodypainting the first time I try it, (b) Max Factor himself probably can’t paint tits for shit (thanks Loz) and (c) it’ll pass, everyone has crap days.
If you’re having an un-creative slump yourself, read this and you, too, will get over it. Lesson learned: be organised and focussed, it will make you feel confident and the rest will fall into place.
Moving on, I had a go at the tiger bodypainting which I also wasn’t happy with, but it wasn’t a total fuck-up either. When I do it for realsies, for the assessment in a couple of weeks, I’ll have honed my technique and I think it should come up alright.
It will obviously be, uh, finished on the day of the assessment. Ie her face will be painted, her hair will be done, the photo submitted will be all styled and shit.
close up of brushwork/stippling. LOL. Rhymes with nippling.
After “Advanced Makeup Techniques”, Chloe stuck around for the afternoon class (Basic Makeup) where we were practicing basic bridal makeup.
marry me, darling
I decided to temporarily relocate Chloe’s lip-line half way down her chin, just for fun.
Hope you like our Wayne’s World style product placement there.
*bridesmaid face*
HOW does she, my own sister, have such a nice profile, while I look like a geriatric man who’s had a penis transplanted onto his face after losing his nose in a freak accident that also left him with a pronounced underbite? HUH?
So that’s what’s all happening up in here, flogstars.
What’s today’s video, you ask? A Tits-Oot Tuesday post wouldn’t be complete without a nod to the Queen of Dollywood herself. Wanna see Dolly Parton honking at her own magnificent rack and hollerin’ “hey Miley, I’ve got your wreckin’ balls right here!”? ‘Course you do. So watch this, it’s Dolly ‘rapping’ on Queen Latifah’s talk show. Yes, you read that right. You’re welcome.
Today’s post is about two German things. One of them is Agi, the other is the Glasgow Oktoberfest.
remember when I went to Germany in May?
First things first.
On Thursday I partied with these sexy mofos up in Oban.
United nations.
It was also attempt #2 at my second wig assessment with Agi as my model. Regular readers will remember LAST Thursday’s disaster when the assessment during class time had to be abandonned. It went much better this time around!
Here’s the step-by-step in pictures.
I used… Ben Nye eyeshadows in Green As Fuck and Golden Shower (not real eyeshadow names, I just can’t be bothered going to check) mixed with Illamasqua sealing gel. The black outline is a Barry M liquid liner, the white is that white cream makeup I’ve mentioned a million times. I don’t think it has a brand. Get on eBay and search for “white cream makeup”, the one I use looks like this:
… but I think they’re all pretty similar. What is not similar is the price. If you buy that ish in a costume shop, you’re looking at about £12. Online it’s £1.75. Sorry local business, but I just can’t. When I start earning proper money I will support you again, but for now, it’s online all the way.
Anyway, the foundation is Illamasqua Rich Liquid and the blush is a MAC Mineralize one that I am quite fond of. The wig is a cheapy from eBay as well. It’s actually got a long side-fringe but it was pinned out the way to show the anime eyes.
Hopefully this will fly with the college. They weren’t too in love with the idea of me doing the assessment not-at-college, but you know me, flogstars. I like to just go for it anyway.
So that was Thursday. On Friday Chloe and I returned to Glasgow, I quickly threw on my dirndl and we were out the door sharpish for the Glasgow Oktoberfest with a handful of our other pals from Oban.
“Squeezy” Lou and Chloe
As a beer-festival expert, I noticed a few things about Scotland’s attempt at this greatest of all occasions that were a bit… different to how they do it in Germany. Firstly, PLASTIC mass glasses and wine carafes. PLASTIC! And there were also two security guards and one cop per person. I suppose both of these details are a necessary evil in these parts.
It was only £2.50 to get in to the beer tent (good) and there wasn’t any allocated seating (also good, although if it had been full it would have been a problem).
The two biggest heartbreaks were the beer and the food. We had tickets for a meal and ordering it was quite the comedy of errors. After the third delivery of wrong food, the waiter actually had a tantrum and walked off. I had to chase after him and dry his tears and coax him into doing his damn job properly. Lucky I am so persuasive. This was at about 7pm, when the tent was still half empty and everyone was still sober. That little bitch would have had one of the longest nights of his life if he couldn’t cope with our table.
The one on the right is either a plate of sauce or sauerkraut mixed with mashed potato (two of the things we didn’t order but received anyway)
No.
My problem with the beer is also two-part; the fact that it was MID-STRENGTH, and also £8.50 for a big one – which wasn’t even a litre! You should see the look on my face as I am typing this. Chloe and I had one ‘mass’ each and realised that we could sit there drinking that watered down, not-even-German shit all night and walk out of there not even the tinest bit wobbly.
I panicked and bought two bottles of wine, hoping that it, at least, would have alcohol in it. I was disappointed, of course, as they had watered it down too. WITH WATER. I wish I was joking. And I know what you must be thinking; pissed bitch yells at bar staff because she is so drunk she can’t taste the alcohol in her beverage. No, dear reader. I was as sober as a judge, and so was Chloe.
We had started to lose our sense of humour at this stage. We had paid good money – far too much good money – for this watered-down crap, so good ole Chlo went and complained to the arse behind the bar and made him open two new bottles and tip them into a carafe in front of us. Ha.
my hero
I look at this photo and want to travel back in time and stop myself from drinking it.
But time travel hasn’t been invented yet.
Stop, stop, stop, you don’t have to drink the whole thing!
And another thing. Wearing a dirndl has never before put me at a disadvantage…
… but at Glasgow’s Oktoberfest, it was a huge mistake – everybody thought I worked there. Worse, because my dirndl was different to the actual staff (mine was blue and covers my ass, theirs were pink and didn’t) I was mistaken for some sort of authority figure, so people were coming to me with their problems all night. “Where’s our food”, “we ordered 6 beers but only got 5”, etc etc etc. Gah!
Jenny gets the money shot
So, for any of you thinking of attending the Glasgow Green Oktoberfest this or next weekend, here are my hints. Arrive drunk, and find or win a lot of money that you don’t mind wasting on non-alcoholic beer and wine before you go. Also, don’t be awesome and wear a dirndl, and wear wellington boots because they erected the tent on a bog.
Oh, and don’t use the Groupon £15 for two tickets offer – it’s the worst value for money ever. The allocated seating doesn’t exist, you only get a half-pint of MID-STRENGTH beer, you have no choice with the food they give you (which is two nasty little Farmfoods sausages on a plate of chips) and all that shit bought separately would come in cheaper.
Humph. I’m all annoyed now. I am actually most pissed off with myself for panic-drinking that wine. A huge rip off that ended the night early. What a waste! Oh well, there will be plenty more opportunities to unleash my inner German beast.
Until such a time, here’s Scorpions. They’re German, and awesome.
Hey everybody, today’s post is PHOTOS because while I know you all thirst for my sparkling banter in unhealthy ways, I also know that you really just swing by here to check for tit pics and the like. Today, you are shit out of luck on both fronts, because I have nothing to say and none of the pictures I’m posting here are my own work or boobs.
You could accuse me of showing complete contempt for my enormous, international legion of fans, as I am putting next to no effort into this post and none of you are going to get anything out of it either. Why? It’s mostly just a collection of the cool shit that my friends see on the internet and post on my Facebook wall because they know I love it. And since most of you reading this are my real-life AND Facebook friends, this post is actually entirely redundant because it’s YOU who sent me the pictures in the first place! HA! We’ve come full circle!
Actually not all of it is cool shit you guys sent me. Some of it I pinched from Instagram, those ones are captioned with the creator’s Instagram link.
I’ll stop talking now. I present to you… Cool Shit, v1.
cool, huh?
instagram.com/hannamajava
keeping an eye on the time, arf arf arf
instagram.com/promisetamang
take on me instagram.com/amberscott_makeup
KISS this!
instagram.com/madeleineharirian
instagram.com/klee608
sand, not makeup, but still cool
That should be enough cool shit to get you through the day, flogstars. Whatever you’re up to, I hope you’re living it up as much as this guy.
livin’ it up
DAMMIT, now I’ve got that Ja Rule song stuck in my head. Sorry guys.
Today at imogenmaxwell.com, we’re celebrating one year, one hundred posts and almost ten thousand views. To commemorate, I thought we’d go over a few of the highs and lows we’ve been through to get here. Well, highs really, we don’t really DO lows at imogenmaxwell.com.
My site stats reveal some interesting, if completely unsurprising things about you all.
The most popular search engine terms that lead people to this, the greatest flog in all the land, are as follows:
Imogen Maxwell (who is googling me and why, is what I want to know)
Cutepolish face (sorry everyone, I’m not the enigmatic Canadian of the fabulous nail design channel on YouTube)
Pink mascara
Big boobs in dirndl
Tan body white face
Good to see our priorities are all in order, then. I was also flattered to find that the 3 most clicked-on photos ever on this site are:
any swelling?
would it bother you to know that I was butt naked when I took this photo? You should see what’s cropped out of it. How far down did I paint myself green?… I’ll never tell!
So you guys have a thing for a lady in costume with her baps out, eh? Boy, are you in luck. Halloween’s right around the corner, this is YOUR time of year!
And last of all, the three most-viewed posts in order are:
Tan body white face – perhaps I should delve more into this topic seeing as you are all so interested in how to look uniformly pale like me?
Body painting, Week 1 – pipped at the post by THREE views, as of today, and no bloody wonder – the only actual nipples to appear live on imogenmaxwell.com! A big thanks to Jen for raising my stats, if you know what I mean.
BRAvissIMO! – me appearing in my bra on the internet for the first time (that I am aware of)
…and Call me crazy, in which I’m in my bra yet again, this time in aid of marriage equality.
What a journey we’ve been on, dear reader. You’ve seen me blossom from amateur makeup artiste wannabe in my bedroom in Oban, to amateur makeup artiste wannabe in my bedroom in Glasgow. From backpacker queen extraordinaire, applying all sorts of crazy slap to my friends… to … makeup school attendee who doesn’t really have any friends so now has to practice makeup on herself all the time instead.
Every click, every like, every “you are SO hilarious!” that you bestow upon me (in my dreams)… this flog is nothing without its devout readers, and I thank both each and every one of you for your ongoing support. I will be sure to mention you all in my Academy Award acceptance speech which will probably be in 2022, but if you can hang in there with me you will get the recognition.
Here’s Boston with More Than A Feeling. Tune up those air guitars and let’s do this thang.
Chloe is lying next to me laughing at videos of cats having sex on YouTube.
yep, two single beds shoved together. This is living.
Too much creepy shit up in here.
We went to see Machete Kills this afternoon. Amazing. And you’ll be happy to hear that Machete Kills Again: In Space is underway. So is the second Sin City movie. Fucking love Robert Rodriguez. Here’s a picture of Lady Gaga’s nails in Machete Kills, a fine example of the highly stylised… styling of his movies. Stylin’!
I am too tired to say anything intelligent, best beloved. Getting up early for work after a night of no sleep, due to sharing a bed with a coughing, farting, cat-sex watching sister is really taking it out of me. Hope y’all have had a good weekend. Thank you and good night!
October is a big month here at imogenmaxwell.com – we’re fast approaching our first birthday and 100th post! Chloe has moved to Glasgow! It’s Halloween! And you know what that means. Crazy makeup, costumes, and skulls on EVERYTHING.
these are a few of my favourite thiiiiiings
Chloe is staying with me while she flat-hunts and job-hunts. The day before she arrived, I re-configured my room to fit her and her stuff in. The following morning I was in a bit of a mad rush to get out of the flat and off to college so I left something on the bed that left Chloe, by her own admission… speechless.
That’s right, a severed head aka a hairdressing dummy.
I call her Jenny.
I had been watching some reconstruction of the Meredith Kercher crime scene the other day on the telly, which inspired me to cast my eye around my own room and speculate about what conclusions a homicide detective/the world media would draw.
Not good.
My bedside table had two things on it; a measuring tape and a packet of painkillers.
How many creepy cat teapots do you have? I have three.
So now I have added “interior decorator” to my dream-list of staff, just to save me from posthumously humiliating myself.
Moving on, this week in college we continued with body painting and basic makeup. Thursday was my second wig assessment which … had to be abandoned half way through as my model fainted. Ooops. Poor old Agi, the studio really was very hot and stuffy, and the gin fumes rising off me as I got up close and personal with the body-paint wouldn’t have made her feel too good either.
This week in pictures:
Pin-curling Agi’s hair – couldn’t she have bloody well fainted BEFORE I had to do that fiddly bullshit?
Basic makeup with the Belfast Babes
I am actually that tall.
I am painted greyish white, for those too shy to ask. Yes, I am pale but not that pale!
My basic makeup on Belfast Babe Saoirse
That’s all I can show you for the time being, kids. We’ve got next week off college so updates may become (a) sporadic and (b) nothing to do with makeup, as Chloe and I will be shennaniganing all over Glasgow.
digital imologue 