Archive | April, 2013
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the plot thickens…

30 Apr

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 I like shopping on the internet when I’m drunk

28 Apr

…which is why 3/4 of the storage space in my room is full of crazy crap like this.

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take me seriously

Opening packages and parcels is always exciting, especially when you don’t know what’s in them.  So imagine my surprise last week when not one, but two yellow wigs arrived.

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The orange lipstick I’m wearing is So Chaud by MAC with a bit of their eyeshadow in Honeylust in the centre of my bottom lip.  Did you guys know they still do the package recycling incentive, so if you return 6 MAC makeup empties of any kind to them, they’ll give you a free lippy (but not from the Viva Glam range, as that’s sold to raise cash for the MAC AIDS fund).

Anyway.  Gotta go rack my brains to see if I can remember why I would have thought I needed two yellow wigs.  I really do have fantastic ideas when I’m pissed, why don’t I write them down?  Oh yeah, because “amazing shelf bum” written on a gin-soaked receipt still leaves me completely in the dark.

forgot-to-flog Friday

26 Apr
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can’t flog…

original unedited image

(original unedited image)

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…. eating.

 

how to be photogenic

24 Apr

People often mistake me for photogenic, which is obviously a nice compliment – but it’s simply not the case.  I look like an elderly man in profile, and I also have to work quite hard at making sure my nose doesn’t look like a penis.

It’s all about angles, really.

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Chloe and I have quite snap-happy mum, who also gives very good advice about not looking like hell in a photo.  Remember, chin DOWN and FORWARD.  A photo taken from slightly above will usually turn out better than one taken from below.  Think MySpace and keep going.  Know your best angle, and work it.  If you never let a hideous photo of yourself be taken or published, then technically that’s all it takes to be photogenic.

Your photographer will be either your best friend or your worst enemy here.  Learn which of your friends are shite at taking photos, and never let those people take your picture.

BE PREPARED.  If you grimace and go “eeeeerrrrggh I HATE having my photo taken!” whenever someone whips out a camera, then you’ll end up with nothing but photos of yourself with your face screwed up, mid-sentence.  No wonder you hate photos of yourself, if that’s what they look like.  Just smile.

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Try to be born to parents who are really attractive, as this will give you the best genetic advantage possible.  Also, if you have your hair and makeup professionally done every day, you’ll look better in photos too.

These photos are from Sunday, when Chloe and I were in Glasgow seeing Jettblack.

Chloe blue herself for the occasion

Chloe blue herself for the occasion

Jon Dow.  A man who understands that if you don't need to wear a shirt, you shouldn't wear a shirt.

Jon Dow. A man who understands that if you don’t need to wear a shirt, you shouldn’t wear a shirt.

me with lead singer Will Stapleton

me with super-lovely lead singer Will Stapleton

me with guitar and vocals Jon Dow

me with guitar and vocals Jon Dow, who had annoyingly put on a hoodie after coming off stage, but had the good grace to keep it unzipped.

It took quite a bit of arm-twisting to get this photo of Chloe giving Jon a piggy-back…

giddy up

giddy up

… he was all like, “my girlfriend’s not going to like this, you’re not going to put it on Facebook are you?” (nope, just my flog which gets zillions of daily hits with its huge international audience) and I was all like “if your girlfriend gives you a hard time about being piggybacked by giant Australian sisters, then you really need to take a good hard look at your relationship and just marry me instead.”

Not really.  I didn’t actually say that.  But we were all thinking it.

nailed it: Zombody to love

22 Apr

Wordplay stolen from Carissa.

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Iron Fist ‘zombie stomper’ nail transfers

These Iron Fist bad-boys came in a neat lil packet with a nail file and wooden stick to poke your cuticles with.

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I’ve used lots of different brands of nail transfers, and I have to say (having only worn these so far for a few hours) that I’m pretty impressed.

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The instructions recommend buffing your nails and applying the transfers to a clean surface, but I also suggest putting on a base coat, whatever you would normally put on your nails if you are so inclined.  For a while I have been using Sally Hansen Miracle Cure Problem Nail Strengthener.

I recommend this for two reasons; partly to give the sticker something to grip, but mostly to protect your natural nail.  So when you peel it off, it doesn’t take bits of your own nail with it.  Stickers are dark horses; wearing them back-to-back for several weeks last summer, I found myself with soft flaky nails, good for nothing.

I suggest putting on a base coat, letting it dry, then applying your transfers.

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All nail stickers are usually designed for long-ish nails; you need to have some length to be able to wrap the transfer over, to file it off.  And the designs are usually for longer nails – some of the zombie eyeballs were kind of cut off, even on my nails which I would say are pretty long right now.

Speaking of.  You might have also noticed that some of my nails are revoltingly long and pointy; this is a nail-shape that seems to work well for me, as in, it resists chips and splits etc, and I can grow my nails disgustingly long if I file them in to a point while I do it.  Also makes me feel like Cat Woman.

Anyway.  These nail stickers went on really well; they are a lot softer and more pliable than many other brands I have used, so they were very easy to stretch-to-fit onto my nails, and being so pliable, fit really easily.  I screwed up on two of my nails and to be honest those two are already (a few hours after applying them) showing signs of poor resilience.

Compared to other brands (including Nail Rock) that have been somewhat more brittle, it looks like these will wear well.  I’ll update this post to let you know for sure.  Other brands I’ve used have been more difficult to apply completely smoothly, and that seems to be the trouble with any nail sticker; as soon as it’s not perfectly applied, any wrinkles will quickly turn into peeling and lifting.  Makes sense I guess.

Anyway – this post is scheduled to go live on Monday, when I will be heading back home to Oban from Glasgow.  I was there to see Jettblack, so it’s possible that by the time you are reading this, I will have run off with Jon Dow and you won’t hear from me again.  If that is the case I’ll give Chloe my flog password so she can let you all down gently.

Do you think he likes zombie nails?  I hope he likes zombie nails.  Screeeeam!

Update: this is what they look like after 48 hours wear.

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The index and pinky finger are the worst; these are the two that I screwed up putting on.  The pinky is ripped in the middle and the index finger just has quite a big chunk missing from the tip.  As the pattern is so busy it’s not actually that noticeable in real life.

The rest of the nails have worn a little on the tips but not too much.  None of them have peeled or lifted, so, they remain the best-wearing nail stickers I have used – hands down!

it’s official

20 Apr

Imagetoday I received the official email, and I officially accepted my spot on the Makeup Artistry HND at Clydebank.  Officially.

Here is a photo of David to keep you going – today, I didn’t put any makeup on.  Hang tight, mad shit coming.

 

call me crazy…

18 Apr
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Me, supporting (a) Denmark in the World Cup or (b) marriage equality? Cast your votes in the comments below!

… but I think we – all us human adult people – all should have the same rights.  Equal rights for everyone.  The right to vote, own property, earn the same wage for doing the same job.  And if you’re in love with someone and you want to get married, that should be that.

You can't argue with Oprah.

You can’t argue with Oprah.

It’s a bit embarrassing, that in 2013, we’re even still discussing it.  Big cheers for New Zealand who have just passed the bill to legalise same-sex marriage.  Now can the rest of us get with the fuckin’ program?

If you DON’T believe in marriage equality, you’re like … one of those people 50 years ago who thought it should be illegal for black people to marry white people.  That’s what you are.

And if that’s you, please get your eyeballs off my flog.  This website isn’t for assholes.

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I’m serious

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