Archive | June, 2013

you’ll look at this photo and wonder several things

27 Jun

Image

Why doesn’t she wear her hair like that more often?

What’s the shite all over her face?

Why would anyone put a photo of themselves online… looking like THAT?

Well, best beloved, let me try to answer some of those questions for you… now.  I don’t wear my hair like that more often because of my enormous fivehead.  I put this photo up online for your laughing pleasure because we’re not that vain here at ImogenMaxwell.com

And that shite all over my face is a mixture of crushed aspirin, water and honey.  Save your WTFs until after you’ve read this, from hilariookie beauty-blogger extraordinaire, Michaela Williams (who is, apparently, incidentally, a distant cousin of mine.  Check out her blog at http://www.latherrinserepeat.com.au).

So, since you’ve read all about aspirin facials now, I won’t bother going into detailed explanations here.  As regular readers will know from my use of Vegemite as makeup and constant references to makeup I “bought 100 years ago in Australia”, keepin’ it cheap is part of my whole deal.  Suffice to say that aspirin facials work, and they’re cheap.  Which sounds much more like us, now doesn’t it?

Advertisements

men, makeup and me

24 Jun

Did you know that most of the winners of the Academy Award for Best Makeup are men? I was kinda surprised by that.  I think we have some sexism here, folks.

Not sure who is being most sexist; me, for making assumptions about the makeup industry being chicks-only?  The film industry for giving all the good jobs to the boys?  Or the Academy for overlooking a shit-ton of talented women and only recognising the relatively few men in the industry?

Anyway, we’re not here today to delve too deeply into that.  I just thought I would draw it to your attention, as when I win an Oscar, I will be even more special because I’m a woman, and the world will be 0.00000000000000000000000000000001% less sexist in that moment.  I really am making this planet a better place for us all.

So.  As previously discussed:

  • while makeup CAN change the world;
  • no one NEEDS makeup (by this I mean you look fine just the way you are), but if you LIKE makeup and WANT to get involved;
  • makeup can be enjoyed by EVERYONE, and ANYONE can be good at it.

Glad we’ve cleared that up.

Speaking of men, makeup and the Oscars.  Whenever I am chatting to a male and they find out that I’m an aspiring makeup artiste, they’ll react in one of two ways.

Either ‘cool/that’s nice/tell me more/good for you/who cares let’s talk about the weather’, OR they’ll leap about screaming “NO WAY would I ever let you do my makeup!!!  Argh!  You’d make me look like a girl, do you even have a spare skirt with you and do you think your heels would fit???”

Image

One thing these two types of men have in common is that I didn’t offer to do their makeup.  Of course, I love doing male makeup and I also happen to think that:

  • there’s nothing wrong with men getting done up to look like girls, if they want;
  • there is such thing as makeup on men that still has them looking like men.

Have these people never heard of Jack Sparrow, Alice Cooper, Brandon Flowers?  Sheeeeesh.

one day, grasshopper

22 Jun
Image

pop art makeup by Karla Powell

Yep, that’s a photo.  Of a person.  Not a photo of a drawing.  Isn’t that just MADNESS?  

Now that I have a not-that-smartphone, and Instagram (@imogenmaxwell of course), I can follow all the big kid makeup artists like the incredible Karla Powell who created the photo above, and feel sick with jealousy wherever there’s WiFi.  I can’t wait ’til I’m that good.

Why don’t you go have a look at the progress shots of Karla recreating this look at this weekend’s IMATS – http://www.instagram.com/karlapowellmua –  friggin’ mindblowing.

Anyway.  Next agenda item.  Today’s cowboy-metal gold is brought to you by Company of Wolves.  If you can ignore the horrendous opening, about a minute in comes the good stuff.  

80s dudes lost in Scotland, rocking out.  Kind of like me, but I’m a girl and my mullet’s not that long (yet).  Enjoy.

The pub in Doune is actually called the Hog & Heifer now, or something like that anyway.  Monty Python fans will recognise the castle.

dog days are over

17 Jun

I got out the black and white Snazaroo facepaint originally to turn myself into a Dalmation, but I got side-tracked, so here you go.

Image

Image

Image

ladies, I know where all the good ones are hiding!

7 Jun

do u want to share a nice place with a nice handsome guy?;)

I am living in one bedroom flat, and I like to shear my Flat with decent female if you inerested

you are so cute!

Hi there are u still looking for room I have something for u , don’t worry about rent just phone me

ON THE INTERNET!  THAT’S where they all are.  Just waiting for someone to put an ad on Gumtree for a flat-share, before they pounce with close-up photos of their penises*.

Sigh.  I’m trying to get whoreganised for starting the makeup artistry study at Clydebank, you see.  At the moment, all I know is that I’ve got a place on the course, and that classes begin on 19 August.  As I intend to go balls-to-the-wall with the course, this will involve defecting from Oban and being present, focused, committed and completely available somewhere near the college at least, from mid-August onwards.

Which is exciting and fabulous; I like Glasgow.  I’m lucky too; my boss isn’t making me quit my cool job up here in Oban to embark on this new adventure.  August is probably the worst month in which to make myself scarce, as it’s our busiest up here – yet still he’s being all cool with it.  The idea, at this stage with NO INFORMATION WHATSOEVER FROM THE COLLEGE, is that I’ll be down there in Glasgow for part of the week, and up here in Oban as much as practical and possible.

So what I’m looking for is a room in a flat with nice normal people who already live there.  Somewhere that will be easy-access to the college.  As I’m not sure how much of the week I’ll be spending there, the most important thing is that public transport between my new digs and college is quick and easy, and that my co-inhabitants don’t try to get fresh with me.  Unless I say they can.

The lonely hearts that are replying to my business-like, non-sexual and entirely uninviting ad on Gumtree represent quite a wide and vivid spectrum of un-gentlemanliness.  Some are obvious creeps, but some are just lonely and want someone else to be there when they get home.  And I’m actually not here to make fun of that.

I pity them only because they’re barking up completely the wrong tree if they’re approaching ME to give their home any kind of feminine touch.  I mean, I’ve been known to throw dishes in the bin instead of washing up.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pig (as evidenced by my unwillingness to have dirty dishes lying around), but I’m just not one to buy flowers or bake cookies, sorry guys.

You could only have ever described me as a house proud domestic goddess during protracted periods of underemployment, when I had literally nothing better to do and couldn’t afford to be out in public having an actual good time.  This was before things like laptops and broadband entered the Imosphere, so self-entertainment was a different animal.

Just to be clear, I can bake, polish silver, vacuum the skirting boards properly.  I know about stain removal.  I know which cleaning products to use on the various household surfaces.  I know that tidying the sofas can make you a rich woman; there is ALWAYS change in that bad boy.  A veritable gold mine!

I am lightening with an iron; when I was a kid I got 5c per shirt, so I had to be damn fast or I’d be losing money standing there.  I really enjoy a clean, orderly home – and that shit was my bread and butter when I was an enterprising child fleecing my parents out of $10 a week to do ALL of the housework (the equivalent of -$7.82 per hour in today’s economic climate; I bet they still laugh about it, but at the time, when I was too young to be legally employed anywhere else, it was like winning the lottery).  It’s just… there’re so many better things to do.

So like I was saying, I pity the fool(s) who are looking for a guid wee wifey because, as Carissa wisely said, anyone who would post or respond to an invitation to share a rent-free bed with a guy you haven’t met in exchange for doing his domestic shit-work… would have to be completely insane.  Gasp – I’ve just figured it out.

Anyway.  Who cares.  I’ll find somewhere.

Oh and I did Carissa’s nails, all cartoon like.

nails

 

*Not impressed, ‘Joanna’.

%d bloggers like this: