Me and Dana stopping traffic.
not sure what your WiFi’s like Chris, but this is for you 🙂
I realised the other day that I’m not worried about money. This isn’t to say that I have enough money or that I shouldn’t be worried. My mind’s just been on other things. Also currently not overly fussed about bum size. What’s going on?
Just over two weeks ago, I flew out of Glasgow, this dear green place. After what felt like one million hours in transit, I arrived in Adelaide and spent the festive season eating real fruit and vegetables (none of your painted rocks that you call ‘avocado’, ‘cherry’ and ‘mango’, Scotland), marvelling at the healthy and attractive Australians just wandering about the place all tall and tanned, and running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to catch up with every single person that I have ever met.
It was a pretty big two weeks, flogstars. I arrived back in Glasgow less than 24 hours ago. What would be hilarious, is if I tried RIGHT NOW to write a post that made sense.
It’s been an impressively productive 24 hours, mind you – I’ve done a load of washing, had my tranny-nails removed and replaced with a dark shimmery purple Shellac job…
real reason I didn’t flog while away – I couldn’t type
…attended to some overdue facial threading (everything really DOES grow faster in the warm weather), been to the supermarket twice, went for a hour-long walk, done a shift at the Qwik-E-Mart, and slept for 10 hours uninterrupted. I’ve also already made serious inroads into plans for my next holiday.
Australia feels like a distant dream already. Luckily I took a billion pictures so I know it did actually happen.
so trusting!
So, January… 2014! This bleakest of months, where we are encouraged to take a good, hard, critical look at our lives, dwell on our various failures and inadequacies, and make vague/unrealistic resolutions to BE MORE BETTER. I’ve been asked a few times what my new year’s resolutions are, but as I’ve never really been into deadlines, I haven’t come up with any yet.
Also, why mess with perfection? I’m still basking in the glory of successfully adhering to last year’s, which were “spend more time and money on makeup”, “buy (minimum) 1 x CD per payday” and “take every possible opportunity to see a live band.”
I slipped up on that last one when I didn’t go see The Who, but as I am so good at buying 79p classic rock albums second hand on Amazon, this wasn’t such a huge problem. Sometimes – if seeing The Who involves spending money you don’t have – you have to let it slide, flip through your millions of CDs, and listen at home instead. Ah, home. Where Keith Moon is still alive, beer doesn’t cost £6/pint, and there’s no queue for the toilet. Rock n’ roll.
There are important life-improvement lessons for all of us in that anecdote, flogstars. Know what you want! Be specific! Be realistic! Cultivate and nurture interests that make you happy! Be #YOLO, but not so YOLO that you can’t pay the rent! Be prepared! I’ve got it all SO figured out. Have a read of this Vice article about how to be less broke in 2014 – while I suspect that the guy who wrote it probably wouldn’t like me much, he does make some constructive points.
Despite being on an extremely winning life formula, I can admit that I need to be better at keeping in touch with friends and family back in the land of Oz. I have no intention of swearing less, drinking less, eating less, playing with my smartphone less, or partaking in any of the other most popular ways to be miserable, so “install Skype” it is.Here’s Har Mar Superstar, that’s right, TWO songs in one flog post. Lose control with me.
See you on the other side of jetlag, lovers! xX
Admire my Santa-claws.
I accidentally scratched the cashier at the supermarket on the way home
After tomorrow, I’ve got three weeks off from my Qwik-e-Mart job, so thought I’d get my bitch slappers buffed and primed for the festive season down under. Anyone who has a job that involves doing stuff or touching things knows that it can leave one’s mitts looking less than glamorous.
before
I kind of wish I’d packed before getting my nails done. Also typing this is really hard.
Speaking of packing, I’m starting to think about panicking about it. I just feel… so organised. In that peaceful way you do when you find yourself with an unexpected free day, before realising at 5pm you’ve missed a christening or something. (Just kidding, friends with kids. I might have drunk a 12-pack at a baby shower once but I’ve never missed a christening).
deer me
I have gifts for the immediate family under control, all my laundry is done… apart from the ongoing problem of not knowing what to actually wear in forty degree heat, I’ve done everything I can. Super organised.
Not really sure what/how much makeup to bring either. Just the basics? LOL. I’ve got the tiger facepaint in already, and made a shortlist of the top five foundations. I reorganised my makeup the other day actually and geez I’ve got a lot. A collection spanning many many years.
Chloe sometimes looks at me rummaging through it all and says “don’t pretend you know what you’re looking for in there” – referring in particular to a massive glass salad bowl I have, filled with identical MAC lipsticks in their beautiful black matte tubes. But I do know them all, I do. Their names, their finishes, their colours. Don’t worry, I’m not about to call a bunch of lipsticks ‘my babies’ or anything vom-worthy like that… but my love is real.
Anyway I really had better make a start on this packing business. Here is a CD I won’t be listening to while I do it:
As you can see I really made an effort to get into the spirit of things, but if I still hate carols even when they’re sung by the greats of classic rock and metal, then it’s just not going to happen.
Hope your pre-festivus run up is fun and stress-free etc. Don’t forget to call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and give some money to homeless charity too, just so it’s not all about unimportant things like whether the tinsel clashes with the baubles or whatever.
Here’s The Darkness with Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End), because this one’s not so bad.
last name Scully.
look at my new boots vying for attention in the corner there!
He is my skull ring. He was named after Dana Carvey and it’s just a coincidence that his last name is Scully like Agent Scully from the X Files and he’s a skull. Regular readers will recognise Dana from every photo of my left hand. Sometimes he’s on my thumb. He’s with me always. He’s a cheap piece of shit I bought from http://www.emp-online.co.uk which is where I get a lot of my cheap, badass stuff.
Once I’m rolling in the kind of money that will come with my imminent glittering career in makeup artistry, I’ll be adding to my collection via German designer Thomas Sabo and The Great Frog – home of wow. Most coveted at the moment is this skull cuff:
I love you, why are you so expensive, will you ever be mine and do you love me too?
… and next thing you know I’ll be rocking up to work in one of these:
for illustration purposes only, not actual mode of transport, it’s an ornament calm down everyone
In that top photo of my hand, if you look closely you’ll notice that my nails have weird ridges in them. That’s because I bought a miniature angle grinder masquerading as an electric nail buffer, for £3 on Amazon. I do not recommend. It’s going to take ages for my nails to get back to normal, and thanks also to my Quik-e-Mart job ravaging my hands they’re not going to grow out any time soon either. UGH! I miss my claws.
Anyway. Time to get off the internet and go meet Chloe for lunch. Happy Sunday, flogstars – hope you’re keepin’ it lazy like you should be.
me for vendetta
Happy bonfire night, flogstars. Hope you’re not scared of fireworks.
be cool, be cool
Today is my bodypainting assessment; I’m as prepared as I can be, and ready for ACTION!
what my tiger bodypainting will not look like
WTF? They’re cheap red pointy false nails, blue-tacked on to the end of makeup brushes, so I could paint them black. They will be Chloe’s claws.
Here are some more halloween photos from the weekend to tide you over until I have new material. These are just pub randoms, not my work.
Alright, night night now. Big day tomorrow… IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! So here’s Motorhead to sing you to sleep, which they won’t be doing in Glasgow in November because the tour’s been postponed. Gah. That’s THREE TIMES now that I’ve NOT seen Motorhead. Anyway, sweet dreams.
Chloe is lying next to me laughing at videos of cats having sex on YouTube.
yep, two single beds shoved together. This is living.
Too much creepy shit up in here.
We went to see Machete Kills this afternoon. Amazing. And you’ll be happy to hear that Machete Kills Again: In Space is underway. So is the second Sin City movie. Fucking love Robert Rodriguez. Here’s a picture of Lady Gaga’s nails in Machete Kills, a fine example of the highly stylised… styling of his movies. Stylin’!
I am too tired to say anything intelligent, best beloved. Getting up early for work after a night of no sleep, due to sharing a bed with a coughing, farting, cat-sex watching sister is really taking it out of me. Hope y’all have had a good weekend. Thank you and good night!
Chloe and I travelled through space and time down to London last week, for the David Bowie Is exhibition at the Victoria & Albert Museum. She bought us flights and a night in a hostel right by the museum for my birthday, and THAT, boys and girls, is how you win employee of the month.
So here is a little photo essay, scroll down really fast to animate and it’s almost like you’re there with us. Soundtrack: us screeching “HOW FUCKING MUCH?” every time we had to pay for something.
it would probably be quicker to WALK from Oban to London but public transport is just so much funnnn
After … about 30 hours in transit, we finally arrived in London. It was HOT down there – up in the highlands, summer so far has been humid and freezing, the worst of both worlds. But in London, blue skies and legit t-shirt temperatures!
Nelson’s Column, London Eye in the background.
We checked in to our hostel…
good luck with that
… and beetled straight over to the V&A to check out our chances of getting in the next day. We put on our broadest Australian accents and advised the staff that we had travelled a very. long. way. to see the exhibition, and we were only in London for one day so what did they suggest we do to guarantee a ticket?
Sadly they didn’t usher us into the exhibition after hours so we could dance about trying on the priceless Yamamotos.
Chloe (left) and me dancing about in the priceless Yamamotos. Thanks, yeah, I work out.
But they did tell us to get in line quick-sharp the next morning, and all going well we’d be allowed in. The museum opens at 10am so they told us to come around 9am, but we didn’t take any chances. We were there at 8am because we’re hardcore.
good thing too, this was the line by 9am. We were 15th and 16th from the front, coiled like steel springs ready to fly through the doors at 10:00:01am
We got stand-by tickets to the first showing…
BOOM
and the exhibition was friggin’
squeeeeee
We had to go and drink some vodka in Regent’s Park afterwards to calm down before our flight back up to Scottyland
So then we spent the night in my new flat in Glasgow, which I will be moving in to in 2 weeks from today.
Sad to leave my awesome housemates and weird to leave the town and job that have been home for the last 5 years…
… but excited for the change of scenery and the bloody amazing fun and opportunities that are to come!
So that’s me, kids. I’m spending the next couple of weeks trying to sort out things at work and get my move a’happenin’. I know I’ve really let this flog die in the arse and I do apologise to any disappointed stalkers out there. I’ve got some good ideas for future posts so hang in there and one day I will get my shit together and make it worth your while.
meantime, here are my nails! Silver flame wraps that I bought in Reykjavik earlier this year.
Right, now I’m off to bed, and when I wake up I’m going to make August my BEEEEAATCH. Stay tuned, best beloved xX
do u want to share a nice place with a nice handsome guy?;)
I am living in one bedroom flat, and I like to shear my Flat with decent female if you inerested
you are so cute!
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ON THE INTERNET! THAT’S where they all are. Just waiting for someone to put an ad on Gumtree for a flat-share, before they pounce with close-up photos of their penises*.
Sigh. I’m trying to get whoreganised for starting the makeup artistry study at Clydebank, you see. At the moment, all I know is that I’ve got a place on the course, and that classes begin on 19 August. As I intend to go balls-to-the-wall with the course, this will involve defecting from Oban and being present, focused, committed and completely available somewhere near the college at least, from mid-August onwards.
Which is exciting and fabulous; I like Glasgow. I’m lucky too; my boss isn’t making me quit my cool job up here in Oban to embark on this new adventure. August is probably the worst month in which to make myself scarce, as it’s our busiest up here – yet still he’s being all cool with it. The idea, at this stage with NO INFORMATION WHATSOEVER FROM THE COLLEGE, is that I’ll be down there in Glasgow for part of the week, and up here in Oban as much as practical and possible.
So what I’m looking for is a room in a flat with nice normal people who already live there. Somewhere that will be easy-access to the college. As I’m not sure how much of the week I’ll be spending there, the most important thing is that public transport between my new digs and college is quick and easy, and that my co-inhabitants don’t try to get fresh with me. Unless I say they can.
The lonely hearts that are replying to my business-like, non-sexual and entirely uninviting ad on Gumtree represent quite a wide and vivid spectrum of un-gentlemanliness. Some are obvious creeps, but some are just lonely and want someone else to be there when they get home. And I’m actually not here to make fun of that.
I pity them only because they’re barking up completely the wrong tree if they’re approaching ME to give their home any kind of feminine touch. I mean, I’ve been known to throw dishes in the bin instead of washing up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pig (as evidenced by my unwillingness to have dirty dishes lying around), but I’m just not one to buy flowers or bake cookies, sorry guys.
You could only have ever described me as a house proud domestic goddess during protracted periods of underemployment, when I had literally nothing better to do and couldn’t afford to be out in public having an actual good time. This was before things like laptops and broadband entered the Imosphere, so self-entertainment was a different animal.
Just to be clear, I can bake, polish silver, vacuum the skirting boards properly. I know about stain removal. I know which cleaning products to use on the various household surfaces. I know that tidying the sofas can make you a rich woman; there is ALWAYS change in that bad boy. A veritable gold mine!
I am lightening with an iron; when I was a kid I got 5c per shirt, so I had to be damn fast or I’d be losing money standing there. I really enjoy a clean, orderly home – and that shit was my bread and butter when I was an enterprising child fleecing my parents out of $10 a week to do ALL of the housework (the equivalent of -$7.82 per hour in today’s economic climate; I bet they still laugh about it, but at the time, when I was too young to be legally employed anywhere else, it was like winning the lottery). It’s just… there’re so many better things to do.
So like I was saying, I pity the fool(s) who are looking for a guid wee wifey because, as Carissa wisely said, anyone who would post or respond to an invitation to share a rent-free bed with a guy you haven’t met in exchange for doing his domestic shit-work… would have to be completely insane. Gasp – I’ve just figured it out.
Anyway. Who cares. I’ll find somewhere.
Oh and I did Carissa’s nails, all cartoon like.
*Not impressed, ‘Joanna’.
I’m too sexy for this tooth
I got back from Germany yesterday, and back to Oban about 3 hours ago, to find a package waiting for me. From the one and only glorious, gorgeous Irene!
In amongst a whole lot of fabulous goodies, there was some tooth blackening enamel, attractively modelled by me above. Can’t wait to get busy creeping everyone out with this!
In the meantime, I’m freakin’ shattered from all the beer I had to drink last weekend, so … I’ll have to come up with something more intelligent for Thursday’s post. Look forward to it, dear reader, you know what I’m like Xx
mullet + biker boots + dirndl = ??
my nasty little plait is no match for Chloe’s
but I am getting better at fish-tail plaiting!
sober
I’m in Germany this weekend with Chloe, Ian and Alewyn, to meet up with a big group of our German friends for a beer festival.
I got these yellow, red and black nail stripers from http://www.sparkly-nails.co.uk
This will be the third time I’ve been, and it’s always a lot of fun. I love everything about Germany. The people:
fantasy
reality
the party atmosphere…
fantasy
reality
… the food…
fantasy
reality
… the everything. I’m looking forward to this lil holiday so much! Time to whack on my dirndl, blow off some steam and go mental with the most efficient of party animals.
Don’t miss me too much xX
digital imologue 