Tag Archives: disguise

revenge of the nerds

25 Oct

starring me.

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Oh hi flogstars.  This week I was the model for two of the Belfast Babes’ wig assessments.

Here’s wee Saoirse (hi, Saoirse’s Mummy!  I can totally spell your daughter’s name without looking, now.  Hope you have a nice weekend!) making me in to a geek:

no mullets were harmed in the application of this wig

no mullets were harmed in the application of this wig

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my view

my view

Saoirse's view

Saoirse’s view

braces weren't really designed with the larger-busted lady in mind, but I did my best to work it

braces weren’t really designed with the larger-busted lady in mind, but I did my best to work it

And then it was Sinéad’s turn:

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Terrified Mum’s going to see these and march over here all the way from Australia to slap the cigarette out of my paw

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I’m going to sneak in a wee mid-post video for you, flogstars, cos it’s Friday and I feel like we all deserve a treat.  It’s the legendary burping contest at the end of Revenge of the Nerds.  Youtube won’t let me embed this one for some gimpy reason, but I highly recommend you click through and watch it.  I used to have that burp as my answering machine message.  Classy lassy right here.

The LOL-fest continued at home with the Mhairis (yes, 2/3 of my housemates are called Mhairi).  Inspired by some Promise Tamang videos I’d made them watch last night, the brown powder eyeshadow and brown eyeliner came out and we bearded up.

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Mhairi doesn't normally wear a towel-cape and plastic bag on her head; it's a hairdye thing

Mhairi doesn’t normally wear a towel-cape and plastic bag on her head; it’s a hairdye thing

beard LOLz

beard LOLz

you would, admit it

you would, admit it

It was decided that I looked like somebody’s hot visiting Eurotrash cousin, or a surfer dude from Home and Away, or Gannicus from Spartacus (who is Australian actor Dustin Clare, who was on Home and Away apparently, so once again we’ve come full circle).

Starz Contents

Yeah, I can live with that comparison

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mmmm

Starz Contents

I love you too, Gannicus

Before we go on, can I just say that I have only ever seen a fraction of one episode of Spartacus, and only because Chloe was basically making me and one of the Mhairis watch it.  It’s dismal beyond description, but I really did enjoy making fun of it.

Moving on, Mhairi then compared me to the angel from Barbarella:

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The angel was not very happy to be compared to beardy me, and while I am flattered that my facial hair brought to mind the overall impression of a bronzed, buff god, I’m not loving his special-ed fringe. Not at all.

Right you lot, it’s after midnight and I’m sitting in the kitchen Googling “collective noun for bronzed buff gods” – still with my beard on.  This madness must come to an end.

Speaking of beards.  Watch this magical video from Beardyman, a beatboxing legend (stay with me) recording and looping his own voice to build up a pretty incredible rendition of Massive Attack’s Tear Drop.

Bon weekend, baby birds.
Xx Imo

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casting now for body double

22 May

As this blog is written by someone who actually has “hand-wash dirndl” and “write to Amish pen-pal” on this week’s To Do list, it won’t surprise you to hear that this weekend presents yet another party at which I am expected to dazzle.

And also as you would expect, any party involves dress-ups, if you’re me.  Anyone who has ever been to a dress up party knows that this always, always presents a plethora of dilemmas.

While I’ve been called worse things than the Colossus of Costume, obviously I have a reputation to uphold.  And a delicate chord to strike; this is a work function, after all.  It’s the grand opening of our new building.  All of Oban’s titans of industry (????) will be in attendance.

I must present myself as professional!

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Capable!

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Confident!

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Approachable!

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Not a liability, in any way!

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Auditioning now for body doubles.

Are YOU coming on Saturday?  Open day and canapes at Backpackers Plus, see y’all there.

Also, what should I do with my hair?  I feel like I’m ‘between haircuts’ at the minute and would really appreciate some sensible suggestions, such as “get extensions to make it even more mullet-y”.

mysterious girl

8 May

Meet Carissa www.instagram.com/carisssssa

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I wish they all could be California girls

She is in Oban HelpXing at the Backpackers again for the FOURTH time – yes, that is how much of an excellent boss I am.  Never mind the fact that this technically means she has already left three times… she just can’t stay away.

But Carissa is more than an outstanding unpaid worker, she is also a very dear friend.  She is a creative soul, willing to indulge me, schmokin’ hawt and able to throw excellent poses.  Bingo.

As regular readers will know, I’ve gone a bit mad on the online wig procurement lately, and it seems silly not to put this transvestite treasure trove to good use.  I’ve always loved wigs, in fact, for my 21st birthday, BFF Sophie and I had a party together to celebrate, and the theme was… WIGS.

If memory serves, this was when I first dabbled in the mullet lifestyle.  I bought a big, bad, white-blonde Tina Turner/David Bowie-in-the-Labyrinth mullet and bloody loved it.  I wonder where that wig is now.  Probably in storage at Mum and Dad’s, bugger, I shouldn’t mention that because now they’re going to read this and bring up how much my crap is crapping up their garage.

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the only thing better than a wig, is TWO wigs

But anyway.  Carissa came over the other night and the green paint was still out from my date with a bunch of daffodils, so I was like, can I paint you green and draw a bunch of question marks between your boobs?

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literally, a human WTF

Like I said, she is a very good sport.

Carissa is a female Riddler.  She is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key.

wish my boobs were green...

wish my boobs were green…

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YOLO

YOLO

And then Chloe came home and wasn’t at all surprised because mad shit like this goes on all the time when you live with me.

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housemate wanted

housemate wanted

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the plot thickens…

30 Apr

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 I like shopping on the internet when I’m drunk

28 Apr

…which is why 3/4 of the storage space in my room is full of crazy crap like this.

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take me seriously

Opening packages and parcels is always exciting, especially when you don’t know what’s in them.  So imagine my surprise last week when not one, but two yellow wigs arrived.

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The orange lipstick I’m wearing is So Chaud by MAC with a bit of their eyeshadow in Honeylust in the centre of my bottom lip.  Did you guys know they still do the package recycling incentive, so if you return 6 MAC makeup empties of any kind to them, they’ll give you a free lippy (but not from the Viva Glam range, as that’s sold to raise cash for the MAC AIDS fund).

Anyway.  Gotta go rack my brains to see if I can remember why I would have thought I needed two yellow wigs.  I really do have fantastic ideas when I’m pissed, why don’t I write them down?  Oh yeah, because “amazing shelf bum” written on a gin-soaked receipt still leaves me completely in the dark.

Twiggy and Bowie, Chloe and me

11 Feb

From the 1973 album Pin Ups, here is David Bowie posing with Twiggy.

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The face-outline thing reminds me of this:

illamasqua throb

which was my bum-chinspiration for this:

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…which was Chloe in costume as this:

boy george

I have always admired Boy George in his twilight years; he just paints over that wattle and expects us all to turn a blind eye.  What double chin?  Oh this ol’ bronzed acre of skin?  That’s a jawline you could shave parmesan on, friends, not a massive turkey gobbler.  Nothing to see here.

Anyway.  Back to Bowie.

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I’ve had my mullet trimmed (although it is not such a dark red as his), I’ve bought a brown contact lens and Chloe and I are both going bra-less today so there are no strap marks on our shoulders.  I’m so ready for this.

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It’s the morning after and I’m editing the photos from the Pin Ups session, and laughing my ass off.  Most of these aren’t fit for publication.  The kind of stuff you don’t want ending up on 9gag.  I’ve got a whole album of oh-god-why, right here.  Let’s see if I can tastefully crop them into something more family friendly.

Basically, the makeup took several hours and 4 litres of Lambrini.  We were both topless, drinking pints of mimosa all afternoon.  My housemates were quite surprised when they came in from their day skiing, but Zoe quickly regained her composure and took the final photos for us.

So here we go.  I don’t have a huge number of progress shots because the camera battery was running low, and I’m also not going to be able to name all the products I used; mostly because there is no point naming the ancient eye-shadows I’ve had for 10+ years that I bought in Australia.

This was my first proper attempt at covering eyebrows; there are a couple of ways you can do it, so I picked the cheaper one – glue stick!  Yes really.  I think I put too many layers on; on Chloe’s eyebrows at least I think one layer might have been enough.  In the YouTube videos I watched they were all going to town with several layers, built up with powder in between.

Anyway, here she is a with a monobrow created with Pritt-stick and Illamasqua Rich Liquid foundation.

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The Illamasqua Rich Liquid foundation was applied around the outside of her face, then all down Chloe’s neck, arms and chest to make her a nice golden-Twiggy colour (and I upped my own palour with Illamasqua Skin Base foundation, in the lightest shade).  The Rich Liquid is the densest coverage formula they’ve got, and it’s DENSE.  It-covers-tattoos-dense.

The face-outline was drawn on with a nude lip-liner, and the white Skin Base foundation went inside the outline.  At this stage, Chloe looked quite like a playing card somehow, so I popped my Red Queen wig on her just quickly, for fun:

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Then came the eyeshadow, which didn’t work out as well as I wanted it to – it was difficult blending the powder over such thick, sticky layers of foundation and dry glue stick.  It was frustrating.

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Finished with a LOT of black mascara, top and bottom, cos that was the way Twiggy rolled.  Light pink sparkly blush low down under the cheekbones and on the temples.  Nude lipliner and gold lipstick.  Blue headscarf.

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Then I did my own makeup.  My makeup is similar to Chloe’s – covered eyebrows, face outlined.  But I am snow white instead of white and tan.  I was wearing a matte taupe eyeshadow and brown mascara, and contact lenses.  I used a matte peach blush on my temples and under my cheekbones.

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And this is what we ended up with:

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What do you think?

I think Chloe pulls a very convincingly beatific Twiggy face there.

What I learned from this session:

– Always put whole afternoons aside for this kind of ambitious undertaking; when you’re flying blind, you need time on your side.  You don’t want to be rushed.

– Really thick, tan makeup looks amazing in photos and ridiculous in real life.

– Covering eyebrows is hard, although the dried glue stick wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  It retained a bit of flexibility so it didn’t flake off or peel up like I assumed it might.

– Teaching yourself can be satisfying and fun, however recently I’m feeling limited by not having the right tools or products, and I’m very aware of the huge gaps in my technical knowledge… and it’s frustrating.  I have the vision but it’s not always enough.

I try to stay positive and channel Kevyn when it’s not going the way I want; even when you’re making a complete dog’s breakfast of it, you’re still learning.

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